Remembrances of Alex
Angela Aguayo

I feel at a complete loss for words to express the sorrow and desperate quiet found in Alex’s passing. Alex would find it ironic that it took his death to finally leave me speechless, a feat he has been attempting for two decades.

I met Alex on a church bus when we were 15 and I have watched him grow from an anxious and ambitious boy into one of the most extraordinary men I have ever met.

As teenagers we bonded over God, big questions about life and plenty of verbal sparring.

At 20, I knew we had something extraordinarily Karmic to work out with one another. I was visiting him at Berkeley where he hid me in his all male dorm. We stayed up talking all night. Which is so typical of Alex who has this amazing generous spirit of sharing ideas. We understood each other through these lofty visions of our potential in the world. In an incredibly earnest yet quintessentially adolescent moment, Alex played me Tracy Chapman’s song, Fast Car. We cried and he said the lyrics reminded him of us. Quoting the song in the dedication section of his Master’s thesis from Cambridge , Alex wrote:

I remember we were driving, driving in your car

The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk

City lights lay out before us

And your arm felt nice wrapped ‘round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged

And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone

When I lived with Alex, we lived with no regrets largely because of his amazing spirit. We fought, explored, unpacked and loved to our fullest capacity, we felt invincible together.

Being in a fast car with Alex meant having a commitment to living an honest life with one’s words and actions. It actually shocked and offended Alex when people were dishonest with themselves or others. Some people might perceive this quality as drama but this was far from the case. In many ways, I feel like Alex shook people up and turned them upside down like a puzzle that needed to be put back together. And if you were lucky, he took care to provide this roto-rooter for your life that was simultaneously a blessing and a curse. He was like a young boy picking at a scab, and he couldn’t help himself from picking at the dark spaces in our lives.

Alex is largely responsible for who I am today. After telling him that my economics class at the Christian College I attended was teaching theory from the book of Leviticus, he demanded that I leave that Cracker Jack box university immediately. And I did and it was one of the best decisions of my life.

It wasn’t always easy… sometimes riding in the car with Alex was fast and furious…

Like the time we walked around Moscow for 8 hours arguing about the merits and practicality of Karl Marx’s economic theory. At this point in our lives I often had to wrestle Alex’s own entitlement and privilege out of his hands to put it on the table for discussion. And he did so, willingly, after 8 hours. 

But being in the fast car propelled life in a way that was essentially Alex. He was enamored with the intellectual process of creating the truth of a situation and influencing the fulfillment of growth in himself and others.

Alex was an incredibly talented man, who could be successful at a lot of things. It was tough for him to abandon his talents in other more lucrative arenas to chase his passion for ideas. He struggled to find his voice yet he faced it by letting go of his economic success in search of His truth. He gave this passion and vision to others.

Olivia, Lily and Nancy—Alex was an extraordinary man who cherished the women in his life and showed them immense love. Thank you for giving him this amazing gift.

In so many ways Alex has been preparing me for this moment for 19 years. Not his death but the moment I have to purposefully and on my own, step into the shoes of the person he believed I could be. Because when Alex was your fan, he was your BIGGEST fan. It was this generosity that touches almost everyone he met.

The year we turned 30, Alex set me flowers and a poem. In the poem he talked of the song he would sing me from heaven. A song that reminded me that there is no more pain and that I am finally alive with no need for a fast car. He wrote:

Because we are in heaven now

Warm, not cold

Resting, not tired

I would play this song for you

Reminding you of your divinity and creativity

Alex,

I will desperately miss all the big and little things you gave to me. Especially they way you kiss my forehead to comfort me, look at me lovingly, clean my kitchen floors, steal my food and fall asleep in my arms. Although we no longer have a fast car, I hope you will always be driving next to me.